


Alternative Methods

by orphan_account



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Denial of Feelings, Dib being (mildly) creepy, Fluff, Frenemies Dib & Zim (Invader Zim), Humor, Language, Light-Hearted, M/M, Proper grammar who is she?, Short & Sweet, Teen Dib (Invader Zim), These idiots are SO close to understanding, Zim is Bad at Feelings (Invader Zim), and yet so far, lots of yelling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:48:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28711497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: When Zim's third Valentine's day on Earth arrives in all its haunting glory, he doesn't know how to communicate what weird things he's been feeling for his rival.He soon hatches a brilliant plan to simply steal Dib's possessions and stockpile everything he can get his hands on till those nasty little emotions just disappear.
Relationships: Dib/Zim (Invader Zim)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 65





	Alternative Methods

**Author's Note:**

> *Me while writing this, laughing maniacally* Ohhhh yes, if I had to deal with acne and oily skin during puberty so do you Dib you piece of shit
> 
> Pls pardon any mistakes it is literally 7am and I have not slept all night (my sleep schedule still hasn't recovered from the holidays rip)

Dib stood in the school bathroom, squishing a few spiders as they tried to crawl up his legs. The greenish hue of the lights only made his face look worse. He thought he'd be able to escape the physical side effects of puberty since Gaz had aged without any such problems thus far and, from what he knew, his dad had as well when he was his age. He looked awful; there were pimples everywhere, a shiny cast of oil on his t-zone no matter how much he washed it, and the dark circles under his eyes only made things worse.

He looked tired on days he had one hour of sleep and when he had ten, it made no difference at all. He'd heard the horror stories of adolescence, but somehow it seemed so... far away. That was till last year when he woke up with a zit on his nose, and it was all downhill from there. 

Exhaustion wasn't a concept he understood till now, dragging himself to school each day instead of jumping right out of bed with grand plans of how he was going to defeat Zim. No amount of coffee was enough, and there was **never** enough food in the house for his hunger cravings at ungodly hours of the night. 

He grew out of his clothes too fast to wear them, had these god-awful mood swings that had him randomly crying in fetal position on the floor, and half the time his voice sounded like there was a squeaky toy stuck in his throat. 

The only advantage that puberty had given him was height, which he wasted no time in gloating about in front of Zim. It seemed every month he had another growth spurt, and already he was about six inches taller than his nemesis. Not yet enough for his liking, but he relished it nonetheless.

Speaking of Zim... that stupid alien was doing everything in his power to push all his buttons, and damn it all he was doing a _great_ job of it.

Dib did his best to keep his grades the highest in the class, but the irken made it difficult when he constantly interrupted his study sessions. It was technically his fault for accepting Zim's offer to be study partners outside of class (how could he have refused?! It was a terrific opportunity to keep an eye on him), but he was still irritated about it. He only got a 99 on a test the other day and it _wrecked_ him.

He couldn't possibly focus when the alien said weird things like "That's actually _impressive_ , Dib-thing" all soft in his ear, or "You don't look _quite_ as disgusting today", only to throw a sandwich at his face and cackle about it when Dib inevitably looked up at him in a fluster. When his whole life revolved around improving himself so that he could best the irken in every way, the downside was that any hint of praise made his brain short-circuit. Sure, it felt good when others appreciated his work (which happened approximately twice a year, if he was lucky), but when _Zim_ did, well... that was special.

For one thing, he came from an alien race that had their own lofty set of standards of which humanity could only hope to achieve with their measly technology, so that raised the bar significantly. Secondly, Dib had never had a _challenge_ before, excelling in most areas aside from, well, socialization. That hadn't bothered him till now, when he wanted to understand everything about how Zim thought, how he communicated with others, what he considered impressive. Sure, maybe the goal of all this was to prove aliens were real, but... he could take some liberties along the way, do a bit of research to sate his own interests.

Back to the present, Dib was trying to wipe a ketchup stain from his shirt. It was the one time he didn't wear all black, and now there was a long streak of pink forming where the red blob had been on light grey fabric. Thankfully, his coat would cover up the evidence, but he wouldn't be able to wipe the memory of all his classmates who watched it happen in the cafeteria. They laughed about it for a good ten minutes, and he was sure he'd face a room full of mockery when he returned, so he wasn't in a rush. 

"You should really just bring some acetic acid at this point," Zim said, his face suddenly rising into view from the bottom of the mirror like something out of a horror movie. The human jumped a foot off the ground and fell backwards onto one of the sinks, some kind of black goo oozing into his sleeve as his arm brushed against the filthy porcelain.

" **Zim!** What are you doing in here?!"

"Obviously tending to my toiletry needs, as all humans do. Now relax, I bring tidings of great joy or... something."

"I'm not sure what you were going for there, but that's definitely the wrong line," he groaned, wiping off what he could of the mess before picking himself back up. "And trust me, I'd bring any number of chemical weapons to bring about your doom if it wouldn't get me expelled."

"Yeahhhhh, whatever," he shrugged. "The _Mighty_ **_ZiiiiimMmm_ **can say whatever he pleases!!"

He had some kind of box in his hands. It was an eerie, unlabeled cardboard container that definitely looked shady. Dib was surprised the irken found a way to sneak it in without raising some alarm, but then again he _was_ an alien and none of the other idiots in the school seemed to have any idea after all this time.

"What's that you're holding? Did you decapitate something and put it in there?!" Zim glared and held up a finger to shush him. "I bet it's an ear. Is it an ear? It's one hundred percent an ear."

"Enough ** _questions!!!_** There _is_ something something that's been decapitated in this box, but I assure you that was how I _found_ it. I got it from one of your filthy places of food collection."

"...Huh?"

"You know, the place where they stock all the edibles in one place and then hoard them till people can produce enough payment as a trade."

"Uh, yeah... I think?" He scratched his head. "A grocery store? How do you not know what those are called after all this time..."

"Yes, so, it has come to my attention that today is a day where you _hyumans_ express your emotions with gifts of meat products, like this. I have decided to partake of this ritual today because I want to express my utter contempt for you." He shoved the box forward, hissing as though it burned his hands even through the barrier. "I used to think I wouldn't give something so _repulsive_ as this to even my worst enemy, but you have proven to be _worse_ than what I could've imagined possible. Take it. ** _TAKE IT!!! YOUWILLACCEPTTHISGIFTORELSE!!!!"_**

Dib stared at the irken in disbelief but dumbly held out his hands, flinching as the box was shoved against his chest. "Um."

Zim darted out of the room before the boy could say anything else, leaving him to hesitantly pry the box open. There was a single package of bacon sitting in the center, still cold from a freezer. He didn't see anything sharp sticking out of it or anything, but he shoved it in the trash just to be safe. "I think I'm going Vegetarian this week..."

* * *

"I just don't understand it, GIR." Zim grumbled down to the little robot, who was gradually ripping pages out of a brochure that it'd gotten from some aquarium in the area. "I've given the disgusting _hyuman_ a gift of the finest meat I could find, so why do I still feel the same?! I thought Valentine's day was a day of ritualistic cleansing, that by offering a gift to someone I would thereby wipe any feelings I have about them from my consciousness. _Why_ then do I have this sense of melancholy? **_WHYYY???!!"_**

"OoOOOOooooh! dol-fins!! I wanna be a dol-fin tooooOoo."

"Yes, yes, but GIR, what must I do??! There are times when I can't concentrate because I think of that filthy creature and how _sick_ he makes me. It's like never-ending nausea, one I can't simply regurgitate it out of my system. I know this is what pure _hatred_ feels like, but I don't like it. It's unpredictable." He continued to pace around the dining room, pulling at his antennae. "I can't think straight a majority of the time now."

"Do do do do do- shaaaaaaarkies!! They got lil pointy things on their backs. I want one!!!"

"Exactly- it's as though there's something pointy writhing around in my squeedlyspooch, making me feel at times like I'm deprived of oxygen. WHY? There's no scientific explanation for it, other than perhaps I've developed some kind of disease... I've examined myself time and time again, but I've found nothing..." He thumped his head against the wall for effect. 

"Also, how do I put this? It's as though there are lots of little aches all over, all merging at my core. Then in an instant it's gone, and only comes back when I see _detestable_ Dib. Could it be something about him that's causing this response? Is it possible that one of his possessions is somehow effecting me? Perhaps through an electromagnetic field?!"

"Can we take a sharky and keep it? PleeeEEEEEAAAASEE?? PleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleeEEEASSSE!!" it sang, hopping up and down while tearing off a piece of the paper to eat.

"...Take... _Take!_ That's it!! You're a **_GENIUUUSSSSSSSS!!!_** We'll simply steal his possessions till we find out which of them is causing Zim to feel this way. A brilliant plan!!" He cackled in the darkness of the room, eyes growing darker. "He'll never know what's coming."

"...So can we take a sharky?"

" _No_."

" :( "

* * *

It started with a single pencil. Dib turned his back, and it was easy enough to reach over to his desk during class and pick it up without notice. From what Zim had observed, drawing utensils had an affinity with disappearance, so it didn't alert him when he couldn't find it. 

Since then, the irken had acquired a juice box, a soda can, an eraser, two more pencils and a pen, a notebook and various pieces of junk from the boy's backpack. He'd also taken his entire backpack, but he'd returned it after getting a glimpse of whatever monstrosities he kept in there.

It was a growing collection and he still had a long way to go, but so far nothing was working. He decided the next best option was to interrogate the Gaz, who was thoroughly entrenched in some sort of simulated entertainment object.

"Will you get lost already?" she said for the second time, growling in a way Zim wasn't aware humans were capable of. "I'm _this_ close to beating the final boss. The Fire bird battle is the worst; it's an awesome game, but the mechanics are way outdated."

"Ah, yes, that's interesting. Now, let me repeat myself," the irken said, sliding a package of Fun Dip closer to her on the cafeteria table as a little incentive, "Have you noticed anything strange about anything that nasty brother of yours owns? Perhaps, I don't know... an energetic field or something? It may make your skin tingle when he nears, maybe raise your pulse. Perhaps it makes you feel disorientated and all sick to your stomach but less physically than mentally." 

"No."

"It's _juuuust_ that I have reason to believe that he may be harboring very _illegal_ objects, which break school policy. It would be very bad if he unknowingly hurt someone and then got expelled..."

"Whatever."

"Arg- There has to be _something_." He hissed and hunched over, shaking his fist at the girl. "Isn't there anything I can do that'll improve your memory output?"

"Hmm... come to think of it, there's a really cool game coming out tomorrow that's out of my budget. _Doom Spiders from Hell 2,_ and there's gonna be a _long_ line to get it. You seem to be comfortable enough with truancy, so I'm sure you'd be free to pick it up."

Zim imagined being packed around all the humans, feeling them breathe down his neck for who knows how long, and he shrank into his seat. 

"Fine, fine, just tell me what you know!"

"Alright... but don't forget, I'll kill you if you don't hold up your end of the deal, and the death will be _slow_ and _**painful**_."

She leaned back in her seat, finishing off the monster on the screen with an unsettling laugh. " _High score._ Okay, weird kid, listen closely..." 

* * *

" _SHHHHHHHH!!"_ Zim hissed at GIR, who was hazardously hanging sideways on the roof. "This is a _stealth_ mission, so you have to be completely quiet. DO NOT make a sound, alright?"

The irken held onto the window pane by barely a thread, trying to figure out the best way to pry it open without being noisy. "The hyuman is in one of those temporary hibernations, so he won't hear a thing. When his precious coat is missing in the morning, what power will he have over me anymore?!! I don't know why I didn't see it before. He never dares to leave his house without it. It's got to have some scientific significance."

" _Shhhhhh_... We've gotta BBEEE QUIE-"

"I said _**SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!**_ What did I just tell you, GIR?!" He cupped a hand over the robot's mouth. "We may never get a chance like this again if the Dib-thing wakes up." He considered that it would've been better to invade the house while the boy was away, but then again Dib spent most of his days chasing after him, so it didn't leave much time when he wasn't on guard. "Just you wait, disgusting, revolting, rancid-"

"Now that's just overkill," Dib said, sliding the window up with a grin. "I can't be _all_ those things at once."

"I- WHAT?!! How did you-"

"I don't know, maybe it was frenzied monologuing or the way you keep scratching on the glass." He scowled at Zim's metallic spider arms, pushing one away from the window sill. "Besides, I have motion detectors set up all around my yard, so I knew you were coming twenty minutes ago. Not to mention I installed a bulletproof layer behind the external portion of the window, so it's not like you would've been able to get in anyway. I had to do some improvements after you stole my homework last year." 

"That was an _emergency_ ," he sneered, shooting one of the razor sharp arms out to hover beneath the boy's neck. "And it wouldn't have been necessary, considering my superior intellect, if _you_ hadn't- oh, nevermind. Now, hand over the coat of power before I gut you."

"...The what?"

"DON'T play dumb, abhorrent Dib. I know that article of clothing gives you some leverage over me and my brainwaves. Your sister told me everything, so give it to me **_RIIIIGHT THIS INSTAAAAAAANT!!!!!!!!"_**

"Gaz told you **_what?!_ **_Auughh_ , this is because I took the last slice of pizza on Friday, isn't it... I knew I'd have to atone for my sins eventually...- Wait, you- No, no, you can't have it! It's my favorite. You'll destroy it the second I give it to you, right?" He grimaced when he thought of the long lines he'd suffered through to buy it, how many holes he'd patched up to keep it from falling apart.

"Of course not, why would I do that? It holds the secret to your filthy powers, does it not?"

"Huh?" He rubbed his eyes, checking the clock. "It's almost three in the morning, Zim... ugh, whatever. I'll be sleep-deprived either way." He moved to the left, gesturing with his hand. "Come in already before someone else sees you." 

"An alien?!!" a voice called from the sidewalk below, which belonged to an old lady walking her dog.

"No, you're just dreaming!" Dib yelled back, grabbing Zim and tossing him onto the floor inside the room.

"Oh, ok!" the lady said before walking off. 

* * *

"Alright, you've successfully 'infiltrated' my house... now what's all this about a 'coat of power'?" Dib questioned, crossing his arms. Zim was still picking himself up from the floor, a tangle of electric arms all trying to coordinate after the rough landing. 

"Stop playing dumb, hyuman- well, _more_ dumb." He glared up at the boy, pointing excitedly at the coat as soon as he saw it draped over a chair across the room. "That!!"

"Would you stop speaking cryptically already?" He yawned, grabbing a blanket and throwing it around his shoulders to block out the chilly night air. "All this about power... it's just a _coat_. Sure, I really love it, but it doesn't provide me with any benefit other than some warmth I guess. And I look really cool in it."

"Well, that's an obvious lie." He peered around, looking with glee at all the piles of things he could steal and add to his growing collection of _Was_ -Dib's-things. The boy really needed to learn how to keep his living quarters tidy. "Still sleep with a nightlight? I thought only Smeets were afraid of the dark," he taunted, trying to buy some time so he could come up with an escape plan as soon as he grabbed ahold of the treasure.

"Hey! It's not a nightlight, it's a... a _wall light_ that I use so I can see at night without having to turn on my lamp. If there's ever an alien invasion- and not you, I'm talking about a **_real_ **threat- I need to be able to view my surroundings at a moment's notice."

"Excuses, excuses." He was surprised the boy could even sleep with all the blinking buttons and flashing screens. Even without the added light source, it was nearly as bright as daytime in here. From what he'd read, humans typically required a dark environment for adequate sleep... Dib seemed to be the exception to everything. 

There were wires and monitors everywhere, so if he wasn't careful he might trip and damage the coat of power. It was a little unnerving seeing his once-secret base broadcasted to the human's room like this, all the screens showing a different view of the place. He made a mental note to do a more thorough search for all the hidden cameras back home. Either way, it wasn't as if humans were smart enough to piece things together if they hadn't yet already, so he wasn't worried either way. "You don't have to be _ashamed_ , Dib-thing. It's not your fault the hyuman brain is so vastly inferior and prone to irrational fears."

"You say one more word about it and I'm going to toss you right back out the window," he said with a blank face, looking back at the clock. "How did you come to the conclusion that anything I own holds power? Is that why you've been stealing my stuff all month?"

"It's not 'stealing', it's an experiment for the GREATER ** _GOOOOOOOD!!_ _"_**

"Yeah, yeah, now stop yelling. I don't want Gaz to wake up and kick my ass." He pointed to one of the monitors, which plainly showed the pile of random objects in Zim's base. "Stealing or not, why do this now? You've never been one for taking useless crap without reason. It's been so weird just... watching the things I'm missing appear in your place within hours. Are irkens also kleptomaniacs? I should write that down actually..."

Zim opened his mouth like he was about to lecture Dib for an hour, but found he had no real answers. "I... well... you see... It's because... arg, it's all _**your**_ fault!!"

"What is?!" he groaned, gesturing for him to quiet down again. "I know we're enemies and all, but I need to know what we're actually fighting about at any given time. Putting aside the whole 'trying to take over the world' thing."

"I know you've been doing _something._ Something nefarious and unfair, because otherwise I'd know how to retaliate. I keep getting all these aches where there shouldn't be any, waves of sickness that leave me breathless. I can't think efficiently half the time and-" Dib yawned, eyes drooping. "Are you even listening?"

"What? Sorry, dazed out a second there... I haven't gotten more than like four hours of sleep any night this past week."

"What I said was your head is big and you're ugly."

"I don't think you said that."

"I did."

" _Ugh_ , can you say it again when I'm awake?" He yawned again, squinting to see through blurry vision. "Look, if you're that interested in the coat then... I don't know, pick it up and look at it or something. Just put it back before you leave." He flopped back down in bed, burrowing under the covers. "I promise it's not that interesting."

The irken huffed in pride, walking across the room to inspect the garment. It... certainly looked like a regular coat, more beaten-up than he'd realized now that he was looking at it up close. He picked it up and stared at it, waiting for that same melting feeling to infect his mind. "...Dib, do you have to push a button to activate this or something?"

"Activate what?" he murmured, barely audible above the hum of electronics. 

"The **_field_** , of course! Whatever energetic field is causing Zim these problems." He gave it a little shake, feeling around in the pockets; there was nothing but trash, some gum and countless crumbs. "How do you operate this thing?"

"...?"

"RESPOND, HYUMAN!! Lest I take this contraption and run tests on it till I find out how it functions."

"Don't. You. Dare."

"I-"

Out of the quiet, the door ever so slightly creaked open. It was such a small crack that the glow of Gaz's enraged eyes just barely made it through. 

**"**  
**"D̵̰̭̉̈́͒̌̓i̷̯̮͔̥͓̳͓͚̇̾̓b̷̰̲̫̼̖̟͕̫̱̾͜,̴̢͖̖̗͇̬͎͐̉ ̴̨̰̰̳͇͇̲̹̒̋̄͂͜͝͠ḑ̷̻͇̼̪̘̞̤̠͋̂̍̐̾̏͠i̴̧̦̣͔͊̂͛͊͒͊̔̕͝͝d̶͊̆̊̄̾͘͘͜͝n̶̹̯͇̲͈̤̩̘̍́̄͋̎̿̑͜'̸̞̮͓͈̤̱͑̆̓̈̑̍̉̅̐t̴͚̙͚̗̬̆̈́̚ ̶̝̝̠̪̫̠̝̬͊I̸̢̢̬͒̀̔͊͝ ̵̡̞͇͈̩̱͈̻͋͗̏̚ţ̷̳̩̝͇͖̭͍̲̤́̓̍͘ȩ̷̘̖͝l̸̗̒̍͗̈̍̈́͒̈͠l̵̡̰͉̤̥̗͛͌̆̓͊̇͝ ̷̗̯͈͇͉͉͍̖̏͒̓͂̽̏̍̕ÿ̴̡̳̜̤͙̯̹͎̖́́ȯ̵̞̞͙̃͌̓̄͛̆̈́̌͜u̶̫̽̏͋̊͆͛͋̔͒ ̷̛͙̻̩̬͇̻͖ ̵̼̤͙̥̻͕͈̩̹͌̿͑̓̓͒͑͜͝͝N̶͚͍͉̣͎̻͕͐͋͒̎̋͘͜O̵̡͖̤̓̍̽̿̓̈́̌̚̕T̸͙̀̊̓͠͝ t̵̡̬̖̘̲̦͊ͅo̶̳̰̪̯͈͈͌ ̶̜̙̩̿̓̈́͆͑̃w̴̡̭̫͖͓͚̐͜ȃ̶̜̳̪͕̙̺̪̫̼̥k̷̮̞̮̂͜ė̸͉̥̯̯͒͂̈́̀͊͜ ̷̮̮̣̱̱͌̉͆ͅm̶̲͓̤̃̑̒̄̃̇ͅë̶̢̧̪̫͉̲́͌̒̑̽̔̄̈́ ̸̥̰̰̙̊̉̾̈́͑̅̏̑̈́u̴͆͜p̴̟̯͎̗͇͓͎̳͖̥̏̈́̈́͆͒̏́͝?̸̢͍̫̮̣̄̉"**

The boy instantly shot up in bed, making frantic shushing motions with his hands. Zim couldn't tell what he was trying to say, but knew better than to speak when the girl's menacing aura was oozing under the door like a heat wave.

"S-sorry, Gaz... Just sleep-talking is all..."

Neither of the rivals moved till the girl's presence finally left, her feet barely making a sound on the floor. It was a welcome relief to actually _breathe_ after the encounter; Zim had been well aware that Earth was filled with dangers beyond comprehension, but nothing could come close to... _The Gaz_. He made another mental note to actually hold true to the deal he'd made with her tomorrow, finding the alternative less and less favorable.

"You should get out of here before she kicks both our asses," the human whispered, peeking from under the covers. "Fine, take the coat, just-" Before he could finish, the irken was already jumping out the window.

* * *

The next morning, Dib somehow felt even more sleep deprived after (surprisingly) getting a full seven hours. He assumed Gaz had perhaps drained his lifeforce as she so often did, and only felt more confident with that theory as he watched her glare at him over breakfast.

He already regretted letting Zim just take his coat without resistance, and was ready to fight for it in the middle of school if necessary. Thankfully, he was greeted with a coat in the face as soon as the alien walked up to him that morning.

"Here, take it back. It's completely _useless_. I ran all sorts of tests on it and nothing, ab-so-lutely **_NOTHING_**. Did you try to trick me? Take me on a wild goose chase?" 

The human just stared blankly at the irken while he ranted about his night. "How am _I_ responsible? You're the one who decided that a _piece of clothing_ was capable of giving people... what was it... stomach aches? Asthma?"

"...Shut up." He abruptly turned and walked away, leaving Dib to stand there in bewilderment.

* * *

Bonus

By the time Dib got home, he was probably even more exhausted than the rest of the week combined. He was beginning to wonder if his dad was replacing regular coffee with decaf, always worried about 'healthy ways of staying energetic'. Ugh... all he wanted was ten cups of espresso, but of course then he wouldn't sleep and his problems would start all over again tomorrow.

After finishing up homework for the night, he started looking at past recordings that his security cams in Zim's lair had picked up the previous night. 

It was monotonous at first, listening to countless evil rants that were not _quite_ enough real evidence to prove what he'd been trying to tell the world since the alien had invaded. It was kind of calming, in a way. It was his nightly routine, and sometimes he saved his favorite recordings just to watch them later when it felt like Earth was getting too boring for him. He'd... worry about how _normal_ that kind of a hobby was after the world was saved.

After speeding through the no-activity window from last night, he watched the irken rush back into his base and laugh so hard it made the screen static up for a moment. After a few minutes, though, the alien walked over to the couch and sat down. He draped the coat over himself like a blanket, then proceeded to curl up under it and... sleep? Dib didn't even know irkens _did_ sleep, so it was definitely something to take note of.

Instead of reaching for a notebook, he just sat there and observed, watching how Zim's form slowly expanded with every inhale till his own eyes started to droop.

**Author's Note:**

> ...And Dib never got the rest of his stuff back 😥
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this stupid lil oneshot 🌻 It was just a fun idea I couldn't stop thinking about.
> 
> Next on the writing list: something multichapter and a little... darker (●'◡'●) *Hops back into my trashcan, giggling sinisterly*


End file.
